A cold shower

One of the pleasures of summer time is cold showers. Of course you can take a cold shower anytime, and athletes who want to recover faster are encouraged to not only take a cold shower, but actually sit in an ice bath for as long as they can handle it. But in the summer after a run in the sun, like I did this morning, at least there's a possibility of looking forward to the shocking feeling of cold water.

And besides, tap water is much warmer in Minnesota summers as winters, well checking right now I find it 68F, compared to probably lower 40s F in the winter, and coincidentally similar to Lake Superior swimming which can easily be 45F even in July, while can also rise to 75F, perhaps by a fortunate series of sunny days, followed by some waves that push all the surface warm water to the shore? 40-48F can feel "burning cold", while 65-75F water is merely shocking. And don't ask about water below 40F. It really does feel like hundreds of knifes digging into your body, or at least how you might imagine that might feel. But after the shock, perhaps freezing to death in cold water is not a bad way to die, and because of the cold there's a chance you can be resuscitated after much longer than other conditions.

Anyway, is cold water pleasurable at all? It's an open question to be sure, and maybe its best to call it "safe pain" since you're not going to hurt yourself by intentionally submerging or showering yourself in cold water. And the experience even helps you question the nature of pain. That is to say, pain clearly isn't a clear signal of harm, only of danger, so if you can understand the nature of the pain you're experiencing you can work with that, manage that, and not have to simply retreat from it.

My cold shower this morning pulled me back to one memory where I was not quite a willing participant in a cold shower, just about 20 years ago April, at a ManKind Project weekend retreat, Friday evening until Sunday morning. So it was Saturday morning and they woke us all up very early and tell us we all have to take showers, and there's no hot water, and its early April so the water temperature is probably close to 50F, and we also just slept in an unheated building so we're already pretty cold.

And there was just one shower for perhaps 30 men, and we're all waiting around for our turn, and we each get 30 seconds, or I think they said at least 30 seconds, so the leaders were trying to challenge us. And as male bonding experiences tend to go, some most extroverted men decide its a good idea to chant a count down for each shower, perhaps as a form of encouragement, but to me it didn't seem like encouragement, rather badgering. I was resentful by the requirement, but I wasn't ready to say no to the expectation, so when my turn came, I turned on the water, and tried to stay as calm as possible while lathering the soap and cleaning around the important places to shower, and it felt painful and I was angry inside, but determined to not let my anger show. I neither participated in the chanting or discouraged it. I tried to put myself above it, to show they couldn't hurt me, even if that's not what they were trying to do. I was an individual, and I made my own decisions, and I wasn't going to let anyone else's energy tell me what I should or shouldn't do. Anyway, the 30 seconds ended quick enough, and I felt I had done a reasonable job in making the shower serve its practical purpose, no more or less. I felt cold, but it wasn't long enough to really get shivering cold, and I got my towel and dried off and got dressed.

I could see the purpose of the weekend was in part to bring men together in a common spirit, and parts of it were like boot camp where they can do things in ways that try to tear down your individuality and then rebuild you as a team. I experienced some of that, but I feel like at every step, I was making a choice how I wanted to participate (and I did choose to attend and paid money to do it), and I never got sufficiently pushed that I needed to say no, although there were many potential ways I might have resisted. I even remember on the Friday night, I considered walking home, at least as a fantasy, knowing it was something over 40 miles, and it would take me all night and into the morning to get home, and the most I walked was 35 miles a couple times, but I imagined I could do that if I chose. It seemed to be my way of coping, to feel in control, that I was master of this situation, and I didn't need anyone else to tell me what I could or couldn't do.

If I wonder what other reactions I might have given to the compulsory cold showers and chanting, I know what I felt. One voice in me thought yelling at the men who were chanting to stop and being willing to back up my conviction with threat of force, and not caring if I lose any fight, at least they would know my hatred. Of course it was fantasy and we were all there voluntarily, and most men would be confused by my hatred. I do see of course my hatred was some sort of projection, not personally directed toward them, but perhaps my fear of pain or discomfort or being seen in pain or discomfort and fear that I will expose myself, my weakness. So in that regard my neutral exterior was my way of expressing contempt. You people are so insignificant to me that I can ignore you whatever you do. You are invisible to me, without personhood. That's a sort of power one can take against bullies, even if they don't know they're bullies. And if they're purposely "trolling" to get a reaction out of people, then refusing to react is a way to resist.

And of course all of this is fantasies in my own mind, and I can go back to the cold water, which perhaps a similar sort of enemy, and I can wonder what's the best way to respond to shocking cold? Is it better to scream in pain and exaggerate its effects? Or maybe like in Professional wrestling, its performance, so you start by exaggerating the pain, while you, as the hero, slowly regain your composure and show a look of rage at your rival until he gets fear in his eyes and knows you're not really defeated and he's the one who is in trouble. Or to do what I did, and not react outwardly at all as I practice internal emotional control, like in the movie Kung Fu where the main character gets his dragon tattoos by carrying a pot full of hot coals with his forearms, perfectly managing the pain, knowing its duration, and putting all his energy into completing his task, knowing the scars will heal, and the trust in your own mastery of pain will last a lifetime.

Being willing to accept short term pain of any sort, including psychological pain of a peer group, I'm sure emotional mastery is the best lesson. But for thought experiments, you can try them all and see what happens, and if you're not sure, you can try in real life and see. And even if you never willingly choose a certain situation, it may come up anyway, and your thought experiment will be ready to be tested, and you can compare how things went, how fears diverged from reality.

A thought experiment that is hardest for me is to imagine being the bully, being the man who chooses to chant while another man takes a cold shower, and feel that excitement of being life, and being momentarily fearless, and using group identity itself to moderate fear, so far I'd say I'd never want to be that person at all, but perhaps that also why I'd not choose to be a parent. Because a parent sometimes needs to step back and watch their child in pain, and know that child must find his own way through, and sometimes that way through is messy and even destructive to self or others. Perhaps I could have been a dad and just said "Be your own self, and you can't be a victim unless you choose to see yourself that way. Remember people who are goading you into reacting are in pain too, and doing the best they can. You can defend yourself. You can say no any time you need to, and use force to defend that. But if you don't need to say no, you'll learn things, and if you're bolder than me, you'll learn things I never learned. But just don't get bitter. Just think of the cold shower, you can choose it, and it won't ultimately hurt you, even if it feels like a shock. And you can say stop whenever you want." Maybe dads can say things like that?