love and hurt

Just a curious thought I can't wrap up comfortably, coming from a place of apparent strength, invulnerable even perhaps, at least from the easy stuff.

When a loved one acts in a hurtful way, we seem to have a choice to decide whether we are hurt or not, and if ammends might be needed. When a loved one is so LOST in their own hurt they are apparently incapable of realizing they have caused hurt, or apparently too overwhelmed to be able to care. Perhaps they even justify the hurtful actions as payback against the universe for not meeting their needs properly, or at least someone close enough to have "known better" what they should have done, and hence any hurt received was deserved.

A part of me says that a person ought to ALWAYS behave in loving and caring ways to those close them him or her. A person ought to CARE whether others are hurt by his or her actions, and want to make amends.

Another part says SO MUCH of life can be hard, and when frustrations erupt into anger falsely inflicted on loved ones, that there's still a choice for a strong loved one to forgive and forget, knowing they can be strong this time, and perhaps next time the roles will reverse and we'll need forgiveness back again. Well, there's the old "Love story" line "Love means never having to say you're sorry." A good line as far as half-truths go.

Well, I can be noble forever. I can step back from my own failing and forgive just as well as I can step back from others failings and forgive. Yet, a part of me says this isn't enough, says there are limits to acceptance, and even a small hurt applies a million times can become something intolerable, if amends are never made.

And its a tricky thing, to wonder what amends are about. If I lash out in pain one day, and come back with sweet kisses the next day, is this amends? Can unrelated hurts and kindness compensate blindly, or must a ritual really be applied to properly close the hurt?

It's curious to me because whenever an apology is offered, I as much as not have already long forgiven, and have no grudge at all apparently, WHILE others less strong, less protected(?), seem to have to have an apology as the STARTING point for peace, but still needs time to decide if amends offered are sufficient to the crime committed.

I offer this curious difference as much wondering if I'm "too easy", if I ought to put up a wall and say "No, I'm not sure if your apology is sufficient, if your offerings will quell my rage. Leave me now and perhaps tomorrow I'll like you again." I'm incapable of holding such a line, even if I ever were to think such a thing.

No, but I can imagine it, if a person is continually commiting harm, continually making the same apparent mistakes over and over, and just doesn't have a clue, doesn't care about anything more than ending the tension of the moment, who will say anything to weasel out of responsibility, well what can you do?

There is a pattern in my life, seemingly, of being surrounded by people who are less strong than me, more hurt, more unfairly treated in life, more self-righteous in their grievances against the world. So I create a "mental model" of what "being hurt" looks like, and what I can do to help, and despite really not understanding at all, I give out permission for others to disrespect me, to accept my strength and invulnerabilty to mean it just doesn't matter. My feelings are always let go. My perspective is raised above personal hurt into "the bigger picture" of what I can do to make a difference, and if I can do something I do it.

Curious as always. Am I really so much above others because my needs are regularly met, and my defenses allow me to stay above being hurt by others?

I don't wish to stand on the high ground and say I'm superior, even if I feel fortunate. I just wonder what "love" really means when the only thing I can see from it is "What can I give". Well, I just mainly accept there is a "game" going on in me as well, something I don't easily admit.

The game might be "don't admit anything can hurt me", and if I need something, rather than asking or admitting it, my stealth tool becomes to find something to give, and hope somehow this'll get someone to notice me enough to offer me what I need. Well, something like that.

I think of my brother-in-law's mother, the perfect Christian, the perfect mother, hiding every day under the mask of selflessness. I wonder why such people can be so annoying, and probably it is something to do with the "stealth agenda" of trying to meet one's own needs through an illusion of selfless giving to others.

I'm fortunate enough know I'm very selfish, and I always meet my needs first as best I can before I worry about what I can do for others, or at least easy enough to do that when no one depends on me daily.

If I try to look "at the shadows" of my behavior, sometimes things come through, when I'll blow up in anger over a misunderstanding with someone I trust, just for a moment, even if gone 60 seconds later, I see as easily as anyone, I'll just assume others can "deal with it", and "accept I didn't mean it" and "not feel personally hurt", and as well not think I should apologize or explain what I'm thinking - that my blow-up was because of anxiety over x and frustration of y, and I didn't mean it, don't think badly of them like it might seem.

Well, I suppose examples come out in two sides (1) People I trust can take my anger (2) People I'm afraid I'll lose if I let myself be seen in anger.

I suppose nothing is simple, and my mind isn't clear enough to more than hint at aspects of interactions.

I suppose I could as well simply see I do act based on who I am afraid of. If I think I love someone and fear I'm not loved back, then I have to ALWAYS be on my best behavior, always be as "useful as I can", and still its never enough to protect what I call love. Well, I suppose I mean one-sided love, where I see keeping a relationship is more important to me than another.

It does hurt to see, in the name of love, I'll fully demolish myself, fully demean myself from believing I can be hurt.

The only good I can see is that I am very lucky, that I don't seem to have to struggle as much as others, that I do have something to give, that I don't need to take every little hurt personally.

But maybe its just simply that learned behavior is self-reinforcing past its helpfulness. After gaining confidence in "being strong", I abuse this position to stay safe and fail to practice behavior that might be more helpful in the longer run.

And with "love", there's still a game, "if person A loved me, he'd accept me as I am completely without reservation, without cricicism, and without any risk of abandonment." So from such a "model" of love, a game can be played to "win" another person's heart, because if their heart is captured, then I'll be safe to be myself.

Oh, I hate reductionism, know I can't see enough, and jump in the wrong conclusion.

I just wonder things like "Why is it okay for another to walk over me without caring?" Just because I can take it once again?

I do look for absolutes, however much I try for relatism. An absolute of love is "I'll love you always. I'll never let you go. I'll always try to make things better when I've hurt you." And it's all straight out of the "Golden rule's" literal interpretation - Do onto others as you would have them do upon you.

I talked to a friend, engaged to be married, about this including my conclusion "You can't change others" to which she totally rejected, said you can change people easily in regards to how you're treated - by setting firm boundaries and standing by them in every case, like a judge.

Well, easier said than done - life has many demands, and you have to pick your fights, but when firm boundaries are breached, there has to be consequences, has to be follow up, nothing to do with "being hurt", but holding up a mirror so the other can see something more of his self that is otherwise invisible.

At one support group I attended now 8 years ago, I had another guy role play my brother. I'd say something I wanted from him, and he'd offer an excuse, to which I'd renegociate from that to something weaker, and in the end he admitted it was like taking candy from a baby, that he had me totally in control. I asked how and he said because I always demanded his acceptance, that I refused to hold any line that was important to me. I gave away all my power.

It took me another 3-4 years to really follow through with understanding, until in the end I legally evicted my brother from my home, after repeatedly demanding limits, and repeatedly having him ignore them.

Sometimes you don't have as much power I as had in that case. Sometimes there is no "ultimatum" except to leave.

I think of my sister, her husband's smoking, first outside when they were married, then in the bathroom occasionally when it was cold outside, and finally he's now completely free to smoke in the bathroom all the time, so the whole house stinks, and I ask her why she puts up with it, and she says she has no power to change him. In her mind, her "only power" is to threaten to leave, and since she's unwilling, she has to put up with his shit forever.

Smoking is one of the no-brainer issues for me - and I say I'd never get involved with a smoker, but they're steathy too, playing on best behavior, pretending to quit, and slowly sliding back under the excuses of stress.

I suppose besides simple issues like that, I'm almost as lost as my sister - willing to compromise almost anything if someone I love might love me back.

At least in my case perhaps the issue is clear - I "claim love" because I want to "be loved" and my selflessness is as much as not "good behavior" to bribe for what I want. And that's a real mysterious story - showing we have "wants that can't be given". I mean "love is a choice", but the choice is real, and each heart is in its own path which can "compromise" for practical responses, but still can't be captured in love that can be promised.

Most curious stories, how there's this mystery called "love", and then there's just the million little things that love brings out, that are perhaps more important in the long run. Love is about learning to be loving, and love starts as something closed and focused, but brings out things that expand into wider love. Fear makes us hold back exposing outselves to rejection in the wider world and demand too much from a single love, but still it all teaches, even if slowly. It makes us better know what we need and what we have to give.

Such tricky things, and any woman can explain them in 3 times the clarity of my greatest inspiration and attempt at wisdom - even if that explanation is likely to still surpasses my understanding beyond parroting it back.

Part of "bearing pain" is to believe it is working towards a goal, and if the goal is "to be loved", we'll work on that task forever, for any pain, and perhaps blindly lose ourselves in the process.

Anyway, I'm still lucky, and I'm not giving up on love at all, not giving up on strength, not giving up on standing above pain. BUT I know there's boundaries that need to be explored. If I'm strong enough to take hurt, I should be strong enough to defend my interests, at least when they are clear and I can explain them.

It does seem very easy to get stuck. I only have hope because I can reflect on how things go and be more aware of my choices.

There's a "mask" I live "I'll love you no matter what", and I believe it, but I don't have to always like you, and I don't have to take shit without offering a mirror at least to it. I can't make people see, but I can point out their eyes are closed.