Ungrounded ambition
I'm going to see a local documentary tonight called Journeymen, about a boys mentoring program.
http://www.mirrormanfilms.org/film.html
I don't have kids, but my girlfriend has 3 kids, 2 of them boys, and I wonder what I have to give to them. A film like this reminds me how far I am from really seriously being someone who children ought to look up to. I mean I can do a lot of cool things, and I can make money to live, and I can play with kids, but more than that I don't know. I could listen, but maybe won't even help guide circumstances to share time alone with a child.
My brother died last year, divorced, left a preteen daughter, whom I also don't connect well. She lives in a family with an older half-brother and a younger half-brother. I don't well know how to connect to her as well, interests seems completely disjoint. And I suppose that shows my greatest failing - to see how people are interesting to me, rather than who they are for themselves.
I wonder about my preoccupation with "gloom&doom", how our high-energy society must soon either crash, or get progressively uglier and uglier to keep up our consumption on diminishing returns and ever higher ambitions.
I wonder about what seems to be a lack of "male role models" for me - I remember teachers - lots of good teachers, men and women. I idolize teachers in general, don't remember a teacher I didn't like, even if I'm sure there were such teachers.
I work in an engineering company, mostly male, very autonomous work, and I skip out on most of the social time. I perhaps base all my relationships on "what I have to give", work or nonwork, as I can "what I have to share". I see people come and go, and I have affection for many and appreciation, but not committed to anything. Things mostly only change slowly because I don't see any need to change, not due to real loyality or active caring.
I imagine tonight there'll be some recruitment for volunteers to expand their program - producer at the theater for questions, and I can defend pretty easily - I keep busy, don't know what I have to offer. That's surface, and underneath, I really don't know anything but that I feel safer alone, safer without others depending on me for something I don't know about.
I wonder how I'll feel tonight?
http://www.mirrormanfilms.org/film.html
I don't have kids, but my girlfriend has 3 kids, 2 of them boys, and I wonder what I have to give to them. A film like this reminds me how far I am from really seriously being someone who children ought to look up to. I mean I can do a lot of cool things, and I can make money to live, and I can play with kids, but more than that I don't know. I could listen, but maybe won't even help guide circumstances to share time alone with a child.
My brother died last year, divorced, left a preteen daughter, whom I also don't connect well. She lives in a family with an older half-brother and a younger half-brother. I don't well know how to connect to her as well, interests seems completely disjoint. And I suppose that shows my greatest failing - to see how people are interesting to me, rather than who they are for themselves.
I wonder about my preoccupation with "gloom&doom", how our high-energy society must soon either crash, or get progressively uglier and uglier to keep up our consumption on diminishing returns and ever higher ambitions.
I wonder about what seems to be a lack of "male role models" for me - I remember teachers - lots of good teachers, men and women. I idolize teachers in general, don't remember a teacher I didn't like, even if I'm sure there were such teachers.
I work in an engineering company, mostly male, very autonomous work, and I skip out on most of the social time. I perhaps base all my relationships on "what I have to give", work or nonwork, as I can "what I have to share". I see people come and go, and I have affection for many and appreciation, but not committed to anything. Things mostly only change slowly because I don't see any need to change, not due to real loyality or active caring.
I imagine tonight there'll be some recruitment for volunteers to expand their program - producer at the theater for questions, and I can defend pretty easily - I keep busy, don't know what I have to offer. That's surface, and underneath, I really don't know anything but that I feel safer alone, safer without others depending on me for something I don't know about.
I wonder how I'll feel tonight?
posted by Ares Olympus at 11:38 AM
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