The Contradiction
I seem to have a strange sense of guilt. It hasn't been active for a while, since 2003 I bought out my sister's share of our inherited house, and bought a second house that I rent to a single mother friend with 3 kids, on section-8 housing, with rental income just about covering costs, at least excluding large repairs.
Since then I've put all my extra income into my home mortgage, and when I finish paying that off, I'll put the extra to the rental property mortgage. So with this goal, I've felt no guilt at my income. Before that I either worked less than fulltime, and when I took a regular job, I asked for a lower salary in exchange for my employer giving $X/quarter to charities of my choice. My primary purpose was to not become dependent upon a high income.
Now, thinking about a trip to Mexico, I'm going through great pangs of guilt - EVEN if I can afford this trip, EVEN if a singular trip isn't a lifestyle, I just think of all the others who can't afford the freedoms available to me. I think of all the unmet needs around me judgable as higher priority than my use. Not even knowing how many people foolishly make far more extravagant choices, greater debt, to support their "dreams", but I don't hold myself to the same standards as I hold others.
It is most strange since it seems to come from responsibility ONLY when I have a surplus resource, like money. BUT I don't see time the same way - I don't think about how little time I have left to GIVE to others. No my time is my own, even if I give some of it. Mostly I can live guilt free as selfish as I want AS LONG as I'm not spending a ton of money on myself.
I wonder where this comes from? I can build up an emotional argument that SPENDING MONEY ON ME is sinful if others are in greater need than me. Even spending money on kids has some degree of sin, given I see it as something that is beyond the reach of others - like traveling to another country.
I'm sure its a mistake on my part - to be taken in by my girlfriend's argument about expanding cultural experience. I mean go to the Cinco de Mayo festivals - check out the local Mexican/spanish population. Let them do an exchange program in college - but how is a week in Mexico going to change everything? What else could be done with $5000? What about the next car repair? What about energy efficient windows? What about a hundred good uses that can multiple to greater effect than a single experience.
I feel like saying (to myself), a gift I don't plan to ever repeat, but I don't really mean it. I just mean I HATE having to make a choice I don't believe it has sufficient value to justify the cost. Travel just makes no sense.
I've taken 3 airflights in my life - to Hawaii in 1990 for 10 days with a college geology class, Washington DC in 2000 for 10 days for a protest and lobby effort, and Florida in 2002 for 7 days because a relative offered to share his time-sharing deal. All low-budget trips, all combined under $2500 cost. Hawaii was pretty - great to see the southern stars and mountains. History in DC cool, and oceans in Florida amazing, but nothing life-changing. A 10-day trip driving to Colorado with my cousin in 1992 was most amazing - because I've not seen mountains before, and at driving speed, I got lots of reading time, and stopped at many cool places, another cheap trip, we camped out every night.
Okay, I'll give travel SOME value, and certainly even when our fossil fuel age is over, we'll still have travel. I mean you can walk across the country if you're patient.
More I think I just feel time-contrained. Wouldn't it be better to spend a month before the trip and exploring maps and books, learn about the culture, practice the language, and then I'd really perhaps be able to benefit from the costs.
I suppose that's it in a nutshell. I don't like the rushed life. I don't like seeing vacation as something to "get away" or "see pretty things". I want time to learn and explore. I mean that's perhaps my biggest modern petpeave - what's the use of power and opportunity if there's no time to appreciate it.
I'd rather live off the $5000 for a year, not working, I mean if my mortgage was paid, and I shared living expenses a bit more. So much to learn, and a lifestyle dependent upon a high income is an insult to my dreams.
Okay, so I get to help 3 kids experience another culture. I don't need to depend solely on my appreciation. I just don't want this responsibility - to DEFEND value vs cost. I deny the world that says you need to spend money to gain value. I'm WRONG, in part, but not fully.
So this is not my dream, but perhaps it'll still turn out okay. Can I stop worrying?!
Since then I've put all my extra income into my home mortgage, and when I finish paying that off, I'll put the extra to the rental property mortgage. So with this goal, I've felt no guilt at my income. Before that I either worked less than fulltime, and when I took a regular job, I asked for a lower salary in exchange for my employer giving $X/quarter to charities of my choice. My primary purpose was to not become dependent upon a high income.
Now, thinking about a trip to Mexico, I'm going through great pangs of guilt - EVEN if I can afford this trip, EVEN if a singular trip isn't a lifestyle, I just think of all the others who can't afford the freedoms available to me. I think of all the unmet needs around me judgable as higher priority than my use. Not even knowing how many people foolishly make far more extravagant choices, greater debt, to support their "dreams", but I don't hold myself to the same standards as I hold others.
It is most strange since it seems to come from responsibility ONLY when I have a surplus resource, like money. BUT I don't see time the same way - I don't think about how little time I have left to GIVE to others. No my time is my own, even if I give some of it. Mostly I can live guilt free as selfish as I want AS LONG as I'm not spending a ton of money on myself.
I wonder where this comes from? I can build up an emotional argument that SPENDING MONEY ON ME is sinful if others are in greater need than me. Even spending money on kids has some degree of sin, given I see it as something that is beyond the reach of others - like traveling to another country.
I'm sure its a mistake on my part - to be taken in by my girlfriend's argument about expanding cultural experience. I mean go to the Cinco de Mayo festivals - check out the local Mexican/spanish population. Let them do an exchange program in college - but how is a week in Mexico going to change everything? What else could be done with $5000? What about the next car repair? What about energy efficient windows? What about a hundred good uses that can multiple to greater effect than a single experience.
I feel like saying (to myself), a gift I don't plan to ever repeat, but I don't really mean it. I just mean I HATE having to make a choice I don't believe it has sufficient value to justify the cost. Travel just makes no sense.
I've taken 3 airflights in my life - to Hawaii in 1990 for 10 days with a college geology class, Washington DC in 2000 for 10 days for a protest and lobby effort, and Florida in 2002 for 7 days because a relative offered to share his time-sharing deal. All low-budget trips, all combined under $2500 cost. Hawaii was pretty - great to see the southern stars and mountains. History in DC cool, and oceans in Florida amazing, but nothing life-changing. A 10-day trip driving to Colorado with my cousin in 1992 was most amazing - because I've not seen mountains before, and at driving speed, I got lots of reading time, and stopped at many cool places, another cheap trip, we camped out every night.
Okay, I'll give travel SOME value, and certainly even when our fossil fuel age is over, we'll still have travel. I mean you can walk across the country if you're patient.
More I think I just feel time-contrained. Wouldn't it be better to spend a month before the trip and exploring maps and books, learn about the culture, practice the language, and then I'd really perhaps be able to benefit from the costs.
I suppose that's it in a nutshell. I don't like the rushed life. I don't like seeing vacation as something to "get away" or "see pretty things". I want time to learn and explore. I mean that's perhaps my biggest modern petpeave - what's the use of power and opportunity if there's no time to appreciate it.
I'd rather live off the $5000 for a year, not working, I mean if my mortgage was paid, and I shared living expenses a bit more. So much to learn, and a lifestyle dependent upon a high income is an insult to my dreams.
Okay, so I get to help 3 kids experience another culture. I don't need to depend solely on my appreciation. I just don't want this responsibility - to DEFEND value vs cost. I deny the world that says you need to spend money to gain value. I'm WRONG, in part, but not fully.
So this is not my dream, but perhaps it'll still turn out okay. Can I stop worrying?!
posted by Ares Olympus at 7:50 PM
1 Comments:
I came across one of your comments on John Michael Greer's blog (JMG has an ability to convey potential scenarios, but something seems to be missing from his analysis). We all seem to be waiting for society to collapse or to come around. Why not shape a society -- I'm currently calling it the exploration society -- that can be implemented right away. I was struck be your Mexico trip comments. One of the reasons why we are unable to move around and learn is that we are tied to property. (Henry David Thoreau once indicated that he felt sorry for the young men in town who owned property.) My wife's niece and a friend are currently visiting for a few days before heading to Mexico/Central America to backpack for 3+ months. They can do this because they are not burdened by the baggage of possessions that weigh down society. We should all be able to live in this fashion and we can shape a Society (think National Geographic) that makes it possible. I would like to launch this society in the near future, but am having difficulty in getting people to "see" the vision. Let me know what you think of the ideas at my blog(s).
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