The Spirit of Christmas

Being an agnostic is really not too hard around Christmas time. IN FACT, it would seem Christmas itself is an "agnostic" holiday. Perhaps it is the PC police, who reject publicly funded christmas trees in fear that EVERY religious tradition will want their little traditions funded as well.

My work calendar says for December 25, "2006 Winter Holiday". We had a "December Holiday Office Party" last Friday. We do have a medium-sized fake "Christmas tree", although maybe it is a "Holiday tree"? We exchanged "secret santa" gifts at the party, and we have baby red stockings hung by the front desk, refilled with candies 3-4 times over 2 weeks. I guess they are "Holiday stockings".

Well, I'm not really trying to judge, and I don't have a strong opinion, mainly just amusement.

No, my value in reflecting tonight is over looking at my own initiatives, or lack there of, towards the "Christmas season", or whatever you'd like to call it.

Hmmmm... I'm invited to a "family holiday lunch" at Old Country Buffet tomorrow. My relatives on my mom's side meet there and we use a back room. It's nice enough. I'm actually surprised that's not even called a "Christmas lunch", maybe because it's too early?

Speaking of FOOD, it is not too hard to find a sustenance level of calories this time of year, although not necessarily a balanced diet with lots of sweets and such. It is hard to say no too such opportunties! How do I go to a "buffet" and eat moderately? Is it even a "christmasy" question, or is it a "bah-humbug" perspective to attempt self-discipline?

Christmas time does offer stress to everyone, especially perhaps the introverts who have to try to remember relative names, and all that social stuff. The extroverts, or maybe parents at least, have to do lots of planning and that's stressful I imagine.

On the good side, I'm relatively safe from receiving too many gifts. When I lived with my sister, my aunts would have to get me gifts too, but now that she's married, they can safely ignore me. You can imagine their long suffering, getting me a gift without a single thank-you note. At least usually I was careful to try to remember who got me what, so if I was asked, I could say "Yes, the sweater was very nice."

Gifts are a funny thing. A few years ago my dad got gifts for my brother and my sister, but not for me. So when I came home and saw the gifts under our tree, I quickly looked and was disappointed nothing for me. Our tree was usually relatively empty, compared to most families I knew, but always more than I would have expected.

Now I live alone and have no tree. Not that we ever BOUGHT a tree, but my uncle had a tree farm and would bring us one. MOST AMUSINGLY, my aunt never accepted any of the humble little trees from his farm, and they had to have a REAL TREE - something that doesn't grow in Minnesota I think, thick and well-groomed into a perfect CONE.

I bought three books for gifts, one as a "secret santa" at work, and for my two favorite cousins. I can be frugal and just pick my favorites while not likely offending anyone for my selectivity. There's little sense in giving gifts to people you only see ONCE or TWICE a year at social gatherings. No gifts are for people you KNOW well enough to make a slightly informed choice!

Hmmmm... no gifts for my girlfriend. That's bad. I gave her a book once, but she's not much into books. She reads Reader's Digest at least. PLUS, I've not gotten anything for my girlfriend's KIDS. That sounds worse. My excuse is I helped my girlfriend with money to pay for her gifts, so I get partial credit for what she buys, even if I don't know what it is.

That reminds me. Being married seems like a bargain for men. I mean seriously it's my aunts that do all the Christmas shopping. They send out the christmas cards. They organize the christmas meals, everything. Whatever is good or bad about traditional roles or egalitarianism, I won't judge. So giving my girlfriend money for gifts is pretty much on par for marriage. But still I'm supposed to get something for my "significant other".

Pretty much when I was a kid, I ignored actually doing ANYTHING for christmas. Well, I cut down a 18" spruce from near my house and put it in my bedroom with lights and ornaments, when I was in elementary school - PROBABLY someone planted it and I stole it!

Sometime after elementary school I became anti-materialistic, or at least in MOST aspects. Books are still cool, since they are reusable, sharable, etc, but still in moderation. Anyway, I multiple times thought of sending out a christmas letter speaking against gifts, again back in the days where my relatives were obligated to get me something because of my sister, but I never followed through and sent it. It's just impossible to communicate, but I'm safe now at least.

I'll be paying for a number of people for "holiday lunch" tomorrow, possibly including my brother's daughter and my sister. Maybe a movie afterwards. Do I really have to spend money on a physical gift?

This discussion is a response to guilt of course, and all sensible replies say a begrudged gift giving isn't worth it. So unless I can reverse my attitude, there's simply no value in trying.

But that segue brings me back to the "Spirit of Christmas", and I can imagine I'm Scrooge, in need of enlightenment.

OF COURSE all the materialism is illusion, but they are still SYMBOLS for something real - that I GIVE A DAMN about people around me.

Scrooge was considered a miser, holding money resources far in excess of his need while others went without. He saw "Time is money" and taking time off from needed work was a waste.

I don't have to agree about "Time is money", or any value in money itself beyond sustenance, but I am defensive for my time, and I do SERIOUSLY think I'd prefer to have "more free time" than "more social time", even if that judgement is about fear, going outside my comfort zone even for a moment!

The other side of Christmas is the coming "New year", and I guess the week AFTER social christmas hours is a quieter time for reflection on the past and visions for the future. It is also a chance to "begin again" and see the world, at least for a moment, away from the obligations imposed on us at present, and see what could be different.

That side is more interesting to me, EVEN if hard. As much as I claim to value reflection, I'd as much prefer to throw myself willy-nilly into activity that SEEMS important or interesting or whatever, and avoid questions that seem to hold no easy answers.

I don't even feel brave enough to ask the right questions. I suppose they must start general, and reflect on them until others come.

What am I here for? What matters? What is love? What do I need to accept myself without continual distraction?

I CHOOSE to imagine the Spirit of Christmas is like the spirit of Jesus, full of compassion, kindness, and generosity, wanting people to open their eyes to that which we ignore, hidden by the lights.

Considering LIGHT itself, lights have more meaning in times of darkness, but modern life can run fullspeed 24-hours a day on light, and darkness is lost. Our quiet times are lost.

When I've seen all the books I might read, I've imagined the luxury of 6 months without work to take time to seriously explore what I've forgotten or never remembered yet. That's SERIOUS selfishness, but its not for money that I don't. OKAY, partly for money, since I have a mortgage, my cost of living is higher, but when its paid off, I can live comfortably again at $6000-$12000/year. I've lived off from savings before. My other excuse is fear my working world will proceed on without me, and I'd miss that, miss the place I have there.

So anyway, that dream must come on its own time - to say I can EASILY fill my time without paid work, so until I am so cursed, I have to fight for prioritizing how I spend my spare time. If I want to READ, then I must make time for it.

Again back to the Spirit, I would like to believe that Christmas is a reminder of a way of seeing the world that OUGHT to hold some consciousness all year 'round.

I would associate Christmas as "A light in the dark", a place where small lights can shine.

Focusing on physical light itself seems a useful symbol for things deeper. Presents themselves are also symbols of things dark, below our awareness, gifts not yet received.

Well there's probably a million ways to respond to Christmas, but the most important in modern times of excess, simplifying and slowing seem vital to those lucky enough to be able to!

Merry Christmas!